Relationship Counsellor Coaching

I am now exclusively available online. I offer sessions via FaceTime, WhatsApp, or Zoom so that you can schedule them with me from anywhere in the world.

RBR couple counselling differs from ordinary couple counselling in that it delves beneath the surface of our stories, our bickering, and endless arguing to understand the core of the relationship problem. Having been married for 43 years and counselled hundreds of couples, I know what is needed to have and maintain a happy relationship.

Many of us, when entering a relationship, fall head over heels in love, are passionate about each other and want to live happily ever after together. Sadly, this isn't always the outcome, and some relationships start to become a little sour, are challenging and even destructive. Throughout our relationships with our partners, we rarely stop to think about relationships on a deeper level; we get caught up in the busyness of everyday life, and we almost expect our relationship to look after itself.

When counselling and coaching couples, my approach is very pragmatic, starting with gauging the level of commitment to the relationship of both partners, finding out what each other wants from the relationship, and where they see it 'going', what are some of the things that need changing? What can they stop doing and what can they start doing? Without change, nothing changes! If you do what you've always done, you get what you've always got. If you want something different, you have to do something different. So, what's the difference that makes the difference? I help the couple to communicate and understand why they 'do what they do' and 'say what they say to each other' and what the positive intention is! We can all learn how to be accepting, loving, caring and understanding of each other's needs without blame or bitterness. We are all just human beings, trying to do our best! I very seldom come across 'bad will' in a couple, but often just a desperate and sincere need to be understood by each other. I hope to facilitate this communication in an unbiased and balanced way.

I have experienced a great deal of success working with couples, and dramatic changes can start even after the first session!

Why are we in a relationship? The answer is an instinct to have our needs met!

Our needs drive our behaviour in relationships; we are in the relationship to give the other person what they need and receive what we need. Otherwise, there would be no need to be in a relationship!

Our relationships change when our needs are not met or when they are threatened. The work of a counsellor is to help a couple communicate their deepest selves to each other, including all their insecurities and fears. I believe people are not malicious towards each other; instead, they are doing the best they can with what they know and trying to get their needs met.

All behaviour is communication, even silence is saying something!

Attachment Personalities:

We all have an 'attachment personality' that was formed very early in our lives, but we often don't realise it. Once our ‘attachment personality' is established, it remains in place and influences our interactions with those in intimate relationships. Understanding and recognising our 'attachment personality' will, of course, help us to improve our relationships with those people that we have formed a strong emotional bond with, this includes our children as well as our partners. Before we can become effective in making changes, we must have identified the problem.

Partners with different ‘attachment personalities’ often feel mismatched in their communication and needs. This mismatch feels like they cannot communicate and that their partner simply does not understand them. Both seem fixed in their own style of relating and are unconscious of their own and others' attachment personalities; therefore, they are unable to change or see things from their partner's perspective.

A sense of powerlessness and constant frustration can develop, causing a never-ending stream of arguments and often even very volatile anger outbursts that will eventually drive partners apart.

Also, couples need to understand and recognise how the dynamic of their relationship has changed, been damaged, become warped over time and that they need a 'reset button' if they are going to stay together.

Most couples harbour grievances they are often unwilling to let go of, yet feel that discussing them will reopen old wounds. I provide a safe environment for discussing these grievances, one that avoids the arguing and shouting that often occur when individuals address these issues alone.

Relationships are about relating!

Like anything else in life, relationships require tending and nurturing; neglecting this duty of care often leads to problems. For a relationship to work, a couple needs to communicate effectively. The problem is how?

Often, a couple only communicates when things go wrong and they start arguing! Arguing is a 'pressure release valve'! Each person defends their own side, sometimes vigorously. Very often, one or both parties feel under attack, and sometimes the best form of defence is to attack; they 'bring up' past grievances and their partner's failures and use these as a 'weapon' to beat the other down. Anger is often used to try to control the other person to make the arguments stop, but of course, this is like 'throwing fuel onto the fire'. When the arguing is over and the pressure is released for a while, a temporary balance returns until the next time! After a while, one or both parties can become afraid of each other, losing trust that they are both on the same side, and start to see each other as the opposition! The relationship can start to represent more 'pain' to the couple than pleasure, and unhappiness creeps in; thoughts of separation seem to become a less painful option than remaining together. Basically, the prospect of remaining in the relationship represents more 'pain' than ending it.

The relationship that you have with yourself whilst you are in relationship with another is paramount, I have often heard people say "I just don't like who I am when I am with him, I become an angry person who is intolerant, I become critical and belittling towards him I become like his mother and I don't want to be that person, I want to be me and be happy being me, I can't carry on like this" Sometimes despite the best efforts of counselling relationships end for one reason or another and sometimes it can't be helped but at least people can decide to end things and understand the reasons why and make plans to go their own way without everything ending in ruin and devastation.

Relationships should be mutually encouraging and supportive, with each partner helping the other to be the 'best they can be' and shouldn't be a constant struggle. Relationships should represent a great deal of pleasure for both partners. Hopefully, life together should be enjoyed, not just endured. Couples need to make plans together for their future and 'get behind' each other to encourage and support. The focus needs to be on 'what is possible' rather than just wishing things were different!

I have experienced great success working with couples, and dramatic changes can begin even after the first session!

If you feel that I can be of any professional assistance to you, please contact me.

This is an example of many testimonials for Relationship Counselling/Coaching.

"We got in touch with Gary when our relationship was hanging by a thread. I did some research into local counsellors and therapists and Gary stood out by a mile. Just from his website, I knew he was exactly what we needed. We didn't want our relationship to end but things had happened that we didn't think a relationship could survive, despite loving each other and having children together. We went to Gary with a common goal and that was to understand why our relationship had taken a turn for the worse and what could we do to come out of the other side as a stronger and happier couple. Gary was unbiased and non-judgemental; he was easy to talk to, even when things were hard to say. To say that seeing Gary has been life-changing for both of us, personally and as a couple, would be an understatement. Gary helped us to understand our individual attachment personalities and what that means for us in a relationship - taking us back to our starts in life and our relationships with our primary carers. This was so insightful and a breakthrough for us in understanding why we respond to certain situations the way that we do. We had a couple of sessions together, a few sessions apart and then a couple more sessions together. That's it. We covered relationship counselling, depression, anger management and more importantly for us, how to change the way we think and act to ensure that we don’t spiral downwards again. We went through both the Rapid Behavioural Reconditioning (RBR) programme and the RIPP (Resistance, Injustice, Powerless, Pain) technique. They were both so meaningful and so effective. I've seen therapists before but all they really did was put a short-term plaster over the pain or anxiety. Through Gary's methods, we worked on finding the root cause to change the behaviour and conditioning for good. I can honestly say my husband and I have never been happier, and we have found a way to survive what some would consider the ultimate test in a relationship. We truly have a stronger, more empathetic and loving relationship now. My only regret is that we didn’t see Gary sooner but sometimes it takes until breaking point before you realise you need to do something about it. Gary - you saved our marriage, our relationship, our personal demons and our family and we can't thank you enough."
Anonymous Couple Cheltenham July 2019

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